Monday, December 29, 2008

Top Ten Rejected Clown Names

  1. Spanks Hugworthy
  2. Scaly McUndershirts
  3. Winky O'Sweats
  4. D.D. Tinkle Grabbers
  5. Trembles the Hobo
  6. Pasty Shingles
  7. Uncle Booger Fun
  8. Mr. Sticky Pockets
  9. Captain Shaky Fingers
  10. Stinky Shorts McGee

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Our 10 Worst Actresses

I was planning to write a little snarky paragraph about each of these actresses, but after writing a few of them I realized they were all going to sound exactly the same. These women all get a lot of work, get paid well, and pretty much play exactly the same character in all their movies. Don't expect range, nuance, or depth. These women can single-handedly make a good movie average and an average movie unwatchable.

1. Cameron Diaz
Acting low: What Happens in Vegas 

2. Jessica Alba
Acting low: Good Luck Chuck

3. Jennifer Lopez
Acting low: Gigli

4. Sandra Bullock
Acting low: Speed

5. Katie Holmes
Acting low: Batman Begins

6. Kate Hudson
Acting low: Fool's Gold

7. Winona Ryder
Acting low: Dracula

8. Jennifer Aniston
Acting low: The Break Up

9. Nicole Kidman
Acting low: Eyes Wide Shut

10. Halle Berry
Acting low: Catwoman

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

7 Reasons We're Not Sending Christmas Cards This Year

  1. To protest the lack of support in Congress for a Santa's Workshop bailout.
  2. We couldn't find a card that said "this makes up for the fact that we see you at barbecues every two years now because at some point we realized you just make us uncomfortable."
  3. Our fantasy football team sucked and we spent our Christmas budget on late season waiver moves.
  4. We can't condone a holiday that compels an overweight senior to break into people's homes.
  5. We need to devote more time to building pornographic snowmen.
  6. We're members of a small religious sect that worships the Easter Bunny.
  7. We're sending all of our Christmas greetings via email. Just look for the one with the subject line "V!@GRA AND CI@Li$ FOR A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

6 Unique Christmas Ideas for the Jerk Who Has Everything

Show both your jealousy and ingenuity this Christmas!
  1. Make macaroni sculpture of their lifelong idol being eaten by jackals.
  2. Two words: Homemade porn.
  3. Create and lovingly decorate an animated flip book of your ass using your office copy machine.
  4. Make them a recording of yourself singing both parts of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
  5. Name a star after them using their least preferred nickname (and to the right of Betelgeuse, you can see "Stink Ass Johnson").
  6. Sign them up for the "Mystery Lunch Meat of the Month" club by mailing them a slice of lunch meat in a fancy envelope every month.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

8 Ways Barbecue Sauce Will Provide Economic Stimulus

In the current economic environment, we simply MUST find more uses for barbecue sauce if we hope to be successful. Here are the best, U.S. Government-vetted ideas, along with some marketing recommendations.
  1. Toothpaste flavoring ("Crest Smoky")
  2. Uncle God's Body of Christ Eucharistic Country-Style Dippin' Sauce
  3. Jasper's Hillbilly Anal Lube -- Now with more sting!
  4. "Hickory Nightmare" coffee creamer
  5. Kountry Kennel Barbecue-Flavored Dog Bath Soap (your dog won't be able to stop licking himself!)
  6. Brisket Bomb Baby Soap (you could use the same ingredients as in Kountry Kennel; you see what I did there? Can you say, "market adjacency?!")
  7. Alternative fuel source -- if those Detroit fat cats can't make cars that run on barbecue sauce then they DESERVE to go bankrupt!
  8. Exterior house paint