Top Things I've Discovered Working At Home Full Time

1. Not having to drive to work has really increased my free time.
2. Dusting isn't as boring as what I do at work.
3. The instant messge "bell" sound on my work laptop is loud enough to wake me up from a nap.
4. Who that one guy is who walks around my neighborhood.
5. There really isn't anything worth watching on daytime television, except maybe a rerun of The Mod Squad here and there.
6. Extended trips to the bathroom weren't just an "at the office" time-waster.
7. I think that one guy who walks around my neighborhood killed that other guy who walks around my neighborhood. Haven't seen him in a while.
8. It's 38 steps from one corner of my house to the furthest corner.
9. I still don't know when to use farthest or furthest.  Nor do I care.
10. I don't care about a lot things anymore.
11. I better not go outside because of that one guy.
12. Maybe I should spray paint my windows.
13. I wonder how many sesame seeds I can fit in my belly button.
14. 38, isn't that ironic! Also, I have trouble discerning irony from coincidence.  Another thing to add to my don't care list (future Listacular post?).
15. Okay, you got me, it was much more than 38 sesame seeds, but I didn't want you to think I'm fat.
16. All the vegetables in my fridge are shriveled and moldy.  Yet, I'm out of cookies and chips.  Ironic?  Coincidence?  Causal?  Correlated? Serendipitous? Portentous?  Myceanalogouslyistic?
17. Words are hard.
18. Uh oh, somebody is at the door.  I need to hide.
19. It takes 3,594,378.5106 sesame seeds to sufficiently hide me.
20. You think words are hard, try slicing exactly .5106 of a sesame seed.

10 Music Legends Who Wouldn't Have Made It Into the First Round of American Idol

Clearly American Idol is more about finding a commercially viable singer who can be paired with a proven producer than it is about finding a singular talent that will influence artists for years to come. However it's interesting to note that some of the best music artists of our generation would have been laughed off the stage early in the competition.

Here are ten we thought of (complete with Simon Cowell's imagined assessment):

1. Mick Jagger
   Simon: "You have terrific stage presence but your voice is like a twangy yap dog."
   




2. Bob Dylan
   Simon: "Seriously, whoever told you you could be a singer isn't your friend."




3. Elvis Costello
   Simon: "You seem like a smart chap. Perhaps you could look into writing or producing?"
   




4. Bob Marley
   Simon: "I think you'd better pray to Jah for a new career."
   




5. John Lennon
   Simon: "Sorry, I fell asleep. Did you finish?"
   




6. Johnny Cash
   Simon: "I like the look, very dark. But frankly you're scaring us."
   




7. Leonard Cohen
   Simon: "Look, I hate to be blunt, but you have no future as a singer. Perhaps acting?"
   




8. Ray Davies
   Simon: "Your voice cracked more than a street made of peanut brittle."
   
   
   
   
9. Joey Ramone
   Simon: "From what little I could make out of that, you can't sing and no one should have to look at you."
   
   
   
   
10. David Byrne
    Simon: "The big suit is a nice prop but you sing like you have the hiccups."

5 Reasons We Haven't been Posting on Listacular

1. Profound indolence
2. Consumed by the train wreck that is Britney Spears
3. Looking for something in the garage
4. Finishing our doctorate in Applied Molecular Gastronomy
5. Inadvertently started writing for Perez Hilton
   

Ill-Advised Poker Bluffing Techniques

• Call your broker before your last bet telling him to "Buy, buy, buy!"
  
  
• Remove your pants to display your erection.
  
  
• Keep repeating, "I have a really good hand."
  
  
• Using another deck of cards you have in your pocket, put together a royal flush and flash it to your opponents.
  
  
• Say, "I don't think you want to do that" after anybody else raises.
  
  
• Drool.
  
  
• Eat the creme from the middle of an Oreo cookie.
  
  
• Ask your opponents how much they want for their cars.
  
  
• Pass out business cards for a bankruptcy lawyer to the other players.
  
  

8 CB Handles That Probably Won't Be Convincing

1. Gosh
2. Pope Tampon the Magnificent
3. Jermajesty
4. Cop Killer
5. Viscomte Guillaume Renard Saucisson de Beaumarchez
6. Pickles
7. Dick CockTower, King of the Rodeo
8. 18 Wheels of Taffy Love