Monday, March 29, 2010

10 Music Legends Who Wouldn't Have Made It Into the First Round of American Idol

Clearly American Idol is more about finding a commercially viable singer who can be paired with a proven producer than it is about finding a singular talent that will influence artists for years to come. However it's interesting to note that some of the best music artists of our generation would have been laughed off the stage early in the competition.

Here are ten we thought of (complete with Simon Cowell's imagined assessment):
  1. Mick Jagger
    Simon: "You have terrific stage presence but your voice is like a twangy yap dog."

  2. Bob Dylan
    Simon: "Seriously, whoever told you you could be a singer isn't your friend."

  3. Elvis Costello
    Simon: "You seem like a smart chap. Perhaps you could look into writing or producing?"

  4. Bob Marley
    Simon: "I think you'd better pray to Jah for a new career."

  5. John Lennon
    Simon: "Sorry, I fell asleep. Did you finish?"

  6. Johnny Cash
    Simon: "I like the look, very dark. But frankly you're scaring us."

  7. Leonard Cohen
    Simon: "Look, I hate to be blunt, but you have no future as a singer. Perhaps acting?"

  8. Ray Davies
    Simon: "Your voice cracked more than a street made of peanut brittle."

  9. Joey Ramone
    Simon: "From what little I could make out of that, you can't sing and no one should have to look at you."

  10. David Byrne
    Simon: "The big suit is a nice prop but you sing like you have the hiccups."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

5 Reasons We Haven't been Posting on Listacular

  1. Profound indolence
  2. Consumed by the train wreck that is Britney Spears
  3. Looking for something in the garage
  4. Finishing our doctorate in Applied Molecular Gastronomy
  5. Inadvertently started writing for Perez Hilton

Friday, January 16, 2009

Ill-Advised Poker Bluffing Techniques

  • Call your broker before your last bet telling him to "Buy, buy, buy!"

  • Remove your pants to display your erection.

  • Keep repeating, "I have a really good hand."

  • Using another deck of cards you have in your pocket, put together a royal flush and flash it to your opponents.

  • Say, "I don't think you want to do that" after anybody else raises.

  • Drool.

  • Eat the creme from the middle of an Oreo cookie.

  • Ask your opponents how much they want for their cars.

  • Pass out business cards for a bankruptcy lawyer to the other players.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

8 CB Handles That Probably Won't Be Convincing

  1. Gosh
  2. Pope Tampon the Magnificent
  3. Jermajesty
  4. Cop Killer
  5. Viscomte Guillaume Renard Saucisson de Beaumarchez
  6. Pickles
  7. Dick CockTower, King of the Rodeo
  8. 18 Wheels of Taffy Love

Monday, December 29, 2008

Top Ten Rejected Clown Names

  1. Spanks Hugworthy
  2. Scaly McUndershirts
  3. Winky O'Sweats
  4. D.D. Tinkle Grabbers
  5. Trembles the Hobo
  6. Pasty Shingles
  7. Uncle Booger Fun
  8. Mr. Sticky Pockets
  9. Captain Shaky Fingers
  10. Stinky Shorts McGee