Friday, October 31, 2008

Other Reasons Why Joaquin Phoenix Is Retiring From Acting

  • Ever since Gladiator, he feels he's been type-cast as an incestuous weirdo.
  • Doesn't want that butcher apprenticeship to go to waste.
  • Bowling league scheduling conflict.
  • The tights were starting to chafe.
  • Thinks he's REALLY Johnny Cash.
  • Latent cloud of despondency from being in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
  • Tired of acting like an idiot.
  • Feels that the hot women of Wal-Mart are afraid to approach him because he is a Hollywood superstar.
  • Memorizing lines sucks.
  • He'll be back next year, right Brett Favre!?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

15 Worst Settings for a Sound Soother Machine

  1. Baby with colic
  2. Aluminum cans in a blender
  3. The shrieks of eagles
  4. Amorous cat
  5. Old man sneezing
  6. Domestic dispute
  7. Spoon in the disposal
  8. Tin rake on a driveway
  9. Dog fight
  10. Hillbilly gun fight
  11. Lawnmower in a gravel pit
  12. Drunken sailor argument
  13. Grocery store announcement medley
  14. People eating lobster
  15. Multi-car pile up
  16. Botched dental procedure

Monday, October 20, 2008

Top 5 Ideas for Naming Britney Spears' 2009 Concert Tour

  1. Cheap Ass Wigs and Trucker Belches Damn Straight!
  2. Blackouts and Downward Spirals World Tour 2009
  3. Media Whores Across America 2009
  4. White Trash and Muffin Tops Live
  5. Doughnuts and Rug Burns 2009
More ideas at

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The 10 Worst Movie Cliches

  1. Guy Gets Girl, Guy loses girl, Guy gets girl back in the final scene.
    Example: Failure to Launch
    Disaster happens, motley crew is assembled, motley crew saves the day.
    Example: Armageddon

  2. Guy loves girl who is just a friend, girl dates jerk, guy rescues girl and they fall in love.
    Example: Picture Perfect

  3. No one believes scientist that end of world is imminent, scientist saves world.
    Example: The Day After Tomorrow

  4. Vampires!
    Example: Lost Boys

  5. Athlete is washed up but still has fire, gets call to return, saves the day in dramatic fashion.
    Example: The Natural

  6. Kids discover amazing thing and try to keep it hidden, adults/government discover it and ruin it.
    Example: ET

  7. Outcast is befriended by popular kid, they have a falling out, outcast ends up popular.
    Example: She's All That

  8. Aliens show up, no one's sure if they're good or bad, they turn out to be bad, they are thwarted.
    Example: Signs

  9. Some science happens, the dead awake and begin attacking the living, the living fight back and win. (Editor's note: Why is it that zombies are always angry? We could understand if they were confused, frustrated, or even appreciative, but why always with the anger?)
    Example: Night of the Living Dead

  10. Ordinary guy becomes hero, public turns against him, he saves the day and wins over the public once again.
    Example: Spiderman

Sunday, October 12, 2008

13 Least Common Kitchen Accidents

  1. Bunion scorching
  2. Brussel sprout stampede
  3. Whisking gouges
  4. Relish tray grease fire
  5. Mellon baller lobotomy
  6. Table leaf decapitation
  7. Maggot infestation from spontaneous generation experiments
  8. Lemon zest exhilaration blisters
  9. Salt shaking elbow dislocation
  10. Carcass entanglement
  11. Jell-o carving lacerations
  12. Gravy drowning
  13. Spicing to taste obsessive-compulsive disorder

Friday, October 3, 2008

The 10 Worst American Beers

What are the worst American beers you've ever tasted? Here's our list. We encourage comments because God knows there's a lot of bad beer out there.

  1. Olde English 800
  2. Black Label
  3. Hamms
  4. Busch Light
  5. Meister Brau
  6. Milwaukee's Best
  7. Pabst Blue Ribbon
  8. Blatz
  9. Genesee
  10. Stroh's

Thursday, October 2, 2008

10 Bad Replacements for Trick or Treat Candy on Halloween

  1. Shots of tequila
  2. Mushrooms from the lawn
  3. Grocery store coupons
  4. Frequent Flyer miles
  5. Small bundles of chives
  6. Nicorette
  7. I.O.U.'s for "Help with your homework"
  8. Lunchmeat
  9. A handful of salt
  10. A hardy handshake