Saturday, September 20, 2008

4 Reasons Why I Think my Dry Cleaner is Trying to Kill Me

  1. I've been finding scorpions in my suit pockets and piano wire in my ties.
  2. She claims I'd get a better press on my shirts if I wore them during the process.
  3. She's been leaving messages on my voice mail to come pick up my clothes in the alley behind her shop.
  4. Her new assistant, Raoul, is six-foot eight, wears an eye patch, and just moved into the apartment next to mine.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

7 Possibilities for What the Girl in the McDonald's Commercial Means When She Claims to "Always Bring the Flavor"

  1. She shows up at parties uninvited and immediately begins loudly proclaiming her obvious fashion and sexual superiority to all the other guests.
  2. She rarely washes food stains off of her garments.
  3. She is mentally unbalanced and entertains friends with her frequent manic breakdowns.
  4. She tries to improve her station by speaking in a comical attempt at a cultured British accent that sounds more like a gay Australian man.
  5. She stores dead squirrels in her pockets.
  6. She always dresses in the traditional ethnic clothes of a country she's never been to, heard of or could point to on a map.
  7. She stopped brushing her teeth three years ago.

Friday, September 12, 2008

26 New Names for Your Ding-A-Ling

(Courtesy of the "Willy Name Generator")
  1. The Main Churro
  2. The Stocky Perch
  3. Dr. Slippery Doodle
  4. The Mushroom Salamander
  5. Professor Skin Trumpet
  6. The Saluting Banana
  7. Frisky Rocket
  8. The Spring-Loaded Burrito
  9. The Pink Dart
  10. The Hanging Cyclops
  11. The Pocket Orca
  12. The Purple Carrot
  13. The Trusty Thick Whistle
  14. The Stocky Bishop
  15. The Hanging Sniper
  16. The Pork Ferret
  17. Officer Buster Pump
  18. The Stocky Popsicle
  19. The Heroic Hog
  20. Dr. Nasty Cannon
  21. The Expanding Handle
  22. The Bald Bazooka
  23. The Plump Panther
  24. Happy Candle
  25. The Pummeling Ferret

Top Ten Least Attractive Presidents

1John Quincy Adams

: He's angry, he's bird-like, he's the least attractive president.
2Abraham Lincoln

: He may have an honest face, but it's also a trainwreck.
3John Adams

: He looked less like a president and more like a frightened, chubby finch.
4George Washington

: Our founding father looked like a dowdy old woman.
5Martin Van Buren

: It's all in the hair, baby.
6James Buchanan

: Speaking of hair...
7Richard Nixon:

He looks like he could really stink up a bathroom, eh?
8Grover Cleveland

: He accented his portly frame with a mustache that looked like he was snorting a squirrel.
9Chester Arthur

: When Chester sat around the White House, he really sat around the White House.
10Lyndon Johnson:

It was rumored aides hid grapefruits in his ears when he slept.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

10 Reasons Why I Don't Like You

  1. Your taste in music is embarrassing and sad.
  2. Your presidential candidate is a lying, misguided sack of crap.
  3. You drive like a jerk.
  4. You have the fashion sense of a blind hobo.
  5. The way you chew your food is nauseating.
  6. Your voice sounds like a lovesick heron with throat polyps.
  7. You walk like a retarded ape.
  8. The odor coming off you is clearly visible.
  9. You have the conversational skills of a prison yard boss.
  10. You remind me of me, and I hate myself.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Top 6 Ways to End an Argument Gracelessly

  1. A roundhouse kick
  2. Breaking wind
  3. Randomly quoting old testament scripture
  4. Alternating between weeping and laughing hysterically
  5. Touching yourself provocatively while humming show tunes
  6. Responding only in rhymes

Six Things Holding My Life Together

  1. Faith in the honesty and intelligence of hockey moms.
  2. "Girls Gone Wild" Vols. 3, 7 and 8.
  3. Hatred of my fellow man.
  4. Polymorphism, Inheritance and Encapsulation.
  5. Duct tape.
  6. An unwavering dedication to underachievement.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Five Best Off Screen TV Characters

These selections are based on my personal universe of television, being from the mid-seventies on. I know there were other off screen characters before these, but these are the best of what I've seen. So there.

1. Maris Crane - "Frasier"
Taking full advantage of the fact that the writers would never actually have to show her, Maris was described as everything from "reptile-like" to "being too light to activate a whoopee cushion."

2. Vera Peterson - "Cheers"
Heard but never seen, Vera was the wife of barfly Norm Peterson. She was almost shown in one episode but got a pie in the face at just the right moment. I always guessed she looked like Julie Kavner.

3. Charles "Charlie" Townsend - "Charlie's Angels"
Heard primarily through a speaker phone, Charlie managed a series of hot women who fought crime. Which is what most of us would be doing if we had made the right choices in life.

4. Stan Walker - "Will and Grace"
Stan is the husband of Karen Walker, Grace's shrill and drug-addled assistant. Stan is an enormous, sexually deviant man who seems to be wealthy beyond measure. Somehow he has an affair with Minnie Driver.

5. Orson - "Mork & Mindy"
Mork closed every show by reporting his findings about Earth back to Orson, his boss from Ork. "Mork calling Orson, come in Orson." That gave Robin Williams a chance to get all moral and maudlin so we'd be prepared for "Dead Poets Society."