- I've been finding scorpions in my suit pockets and piano wire in my ties.
- She claims I'd get a better press on my shirts if I wore them during the process.
- She's been leaving messages on my voice mail to come pick up my clothes in the alley behind her shop.
- Her new assistant, Raoul, is six-foot eight, wears an eye patch, and just moved into the apartment next to mine.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
4 Reasons Why I Think my Dry Cleaner is Trying to Kill Me
Sunday, September 14, 2008
7 Possibilities for What the Girl in the McDonald's Commercial Means When She Claims to "Always Bring the Flavor"
- She shows up at parties uninvited and immediately begins loudly proclaiming her obvious fashion and sexual superiority to all the other guests.
- She rarely washes food stains off of her garments.
- She is mentally unbalanced and entertains friends with her frequent manic breakdowns.
- She tries to improve her station by speaking in a comical attempt at a cultured British accent that sounds more like a gay Australian man.
- She stores dead squirrels in her pockets.
- She always dresses in the traditional ethnic clothes of a country she's never been to, heard of or could point to on a map.
- She stopped brushing her teeth three years ago.
Friday, September 12, 2008
26 New Names for Your Ding-A-Ling
(Courtesy of the "Willy Name Generator")
- The Main Churro
- The Stocky Perch
- Dr. Slippery Doodle
- The Mushroom Salamander
- Professor Skin Trumpet
- The Saluting Banana
- Frisky Rocket
- The Spring-Loaded Burrito
- The Pink Dart
- The Hanging Cyclops
- The Pocket Orca
- The Purple Carrot
- The Trusty Thick Whistle
- The Stocky Bishop
- The Hanging Sniper
- The Pork Ferret
- Officer Buster Pump
- The Stocky Popsicle
- The Heroic Hog
- Dr. Nasty Cannon
- The Expanding Handle
- The Bald Bazooka
- The Plump Panther
- Happy Candle
- The Pummeling Ferret
Labels:
john thomas,
johnson,
willy
Top Ten Least Attractive Presidents
Labels:
politics,
presidents,
ugliness
Thursday, September 11, 2008
10 Reasons Why I Don't Like You
- Your taste in music is embarrassing and sad.
- Your presidential candidate is a lying, misguided sack of crap.
- You drive like a jerk.
- You have the fashion sense of a blind hobo.
- The way you chew your food is nauseating.
- Your voice sounds like a lovesick heron with throat polyps.
- You walk like a retarded ape.
- The odor coming off you is clearly visible.
- You have the conversational skills of a prison yard boss.
- You remind me of me, and I hate myself.
Labels:
apes,
bitterness,
you
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Top 6 Ways to End an Argument Gracelessly
- A roundhouse kick
- Breaking wind
- Randomly quoting old testament scripture
- Alternating between weeping and laughing hysterically
- Touching yourself provocatively while humming show tunes
- Responding only in rhymes
Six Things Holding My Life Together
- Faith in the honesty and intelligence of hockey moms.
- "Girls Gone Wild" Vols. 3, 7 and 8.
- Hatred of my fellow man.
- Polymorphism, Inheritance and Encapsulation.
- Duct tape.
- An unwavering dedication to underachievement.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The Five Best Off Screen TV Characters
These selections are based on my personal universe of television, being from the mid-seventies on. I know there were other off screen characters before these, but these are the best of what I've seen. So there.
1. Maris Crane - "Frasier"
Taking full advantage of the fact that the writers would never actually have to show her, Maris was described as everything from "reptile-like" to "being too light to activate a whoopee cushion."
2. Vera Peterson - "Cheers"
Heard but never seen, Vera was the wife of barfly Norm Peterson. She was almost shown in one episode but got a pie in the face at just the right moment. I always guessed she looked like Julie Kavner.
3. Charles "Charlie" Townsend - "Charlie's Angels"
Heard primarily through a speaker phone, Charlie managed a series of hot women who fought crime. Which is what most of us would be doing if we had made the right choices in life.
4. Stan Walker - "Will and Grace"
Stan is the husband of Karen Walker, Grace's shrill and drug-addled assistant. Stan is an enormous, sexually deviant man who seems to be wealthy beyond measure. Somehow he has an affair with Minnie Driver.
5. Orson - "Mork & Mindy"
Mork closed every show by reporting his findings about Earth back to Orson, his boss from Ork. "Mork calling Orson, come in Orson." That gave Robin Williams a chance to get all moral and maudlin so we'd be prepared for "Dead Poets Society."
Labels:
entertainment,
television
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