Saturday, November 22, 2008

7 Reasons I Go To The Bathroom

  1. Well, the usual reason - to read.

  2. To muss up my hair in a dashing way.

  3. Gotta keep tryin' on those leopard skin leotards.

  4. Get the plunger, Aunt Blanche just went in there.

  5. The ceramic floor in there is just so much cooler on my skin than the rest of the house on hot summer days.

  6. Jam sessions on my triangle.

  7. To find out where the poo goes.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

8 Phrases That Should Become Business Cliches

We're tired of phrases like "at the end of the day" and "in the pipeline." It's time we came up with some new awful business cliches that can get overused by every idiot with a PowerPoint deck and a Blackberry. The phrases below don't mean anything yet. But just you wait...

"on the prison toilet"

Looks like Johnson is on the prison toilet again.

"looking for rhubarb"
I think we're ahead but might we might just be looking for rhubarb.

"another chrome squirrel"

Great, Johnson just showed up with another chrome squirrel.

"trading ham for toothpaste"

Sometimes I feel like our department is just trading ham for toothpaste.

"trailer park effect"

We've had to rethink the marketing plan thanks to the trailer park effect.

"grooming the mule"

Hanlon was at the convention grooming the mule.

"red gravy on Mars"

This new long-term strategic plan is like red gravy on Mars.

"packaged wet and sold for dry"

Looks like the new widget product will have to be packaged wet and sold for dry.

Friday, November 14, 2008

9 Uses for a Bloomin' Onion

  1. Sheep de-wooler
  2. Oil well drill bit
  3. Industrial strength laxative
  4. Golf cleat cleaner
  5. Science fair sea urchin display model
  6. Murder weapon in the game of Clue
  7. Rolodex
  8. Funeral wreath
  9. Whoopy cushion

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

7 Possible Explanations for This Rash

  1. Riding that coin operated horse in front of the grocery store without pants on
  2. Washing my jeans with bargain detergent from the Supermercado
  3. Stress about keeping my job in this economy especially since I rarely show up on time and spend more time on Twitter than actually working
  4. Sweaty aliens
  5. This new anti-cellulite cream I got in Thailand
  6. One of my wife's "massage therapists" did seem to be scratching himself more than normal when he dropped her off yesterday
  7. Sleeping in the park last night

Friday, November 7, 2008

5 Original Excuses to Get Out of a Social Event

The beauty of these excuses is that you never actually have to say you're not coming. However the host will be so thrilled you didn't show up you'll be golden.
  1. Explain that you've developed a mysterious unpleasant odor that may turn off other guests.
  2. Say you're bringing your new favorite cabbage and anchovy dish and you just can't be talked out of it.
  3. Ask where the heroin room is going to be because you just got a sweet deal on some Hungarian Brown.
  4. Explain that you've become a born again Christian and you have been dying to share your story.
  5. Explain that you may have trouble finding a sitter but if you can't you'll just pick up your son/daughter from their violin recital on the way and maybe he/she can even give an impromptu performance!