Monday, December 29, 2008

Top Ten Rejected Clown Names

  1. Spanks Hugworthy
  2. Scaly McUndershirts
  3. Winky O'Sweats
  4. D.D. Tinkle Grabbers
  5. Trembles the Hobo
  6. Pasty Shingles
  7. Uncle Booger Fun
  8. Mr. Sticky Pockets
  9. Captain Shaky Fingers
  10. Stinky Shorts McGee

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Our 10 Worst Actresses

I was planning to write a little snarky paragraph about each of these actresses, but after writing a few of them I realized they were all going to sound exactly the same. These women all get a lot of work, get paid well, and pretty much play exactly the same character in all their movies. Don't expect range, nuance, or depth. These women can single-handedly make a good movie average and an average movie unwatchable.

1. Cameron Diaz
Acting low: What Happens in Vegas 

2. Jessica Alba
Acting low: Good Luck Chuck

3. Jennifer Lopez
Acting low: Gigli

4. Sandra Bullock
Acting low: Speed

5. Katie Holmes
Acting low: Batman Begins

6. Kate Hudson
Acting low: Fool's Gold

7. Winona Ryder
Acting low: Dracula

8. Jennifer Aniston
Acting low: The Break Up

9. Nicole Kidman
Acting low: Eyes Wide Shut

10. Halle Berry
Acting low: Catwoman

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

7 Reasons We're Not Sending Christmas Cards This Year

  1. To protest the lack of support in Congress for a Santa's Workshop bailout.
  2. We couldn't find a card that said "this makes up for the fact that we see you at barbecues every two years now because at some point we realized you just make us uncomfortable."
  3. Our fantasy football team sucked and we spent our Christmas budget on late season waiver moves.
  4. We can't condone a holiday that compels an overweight senior to break into people's homes.
  5. We need to devote more time to building pornographic snowmen.
  6. We're members of a small religious sect that worships the Easter Bunny.
  7. We're sending all of our Christmas greetings via email. Just look for the one with the subject line "V!@GRA AND CI@Li$ FOR A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

6 Unique Christmas Ideas for the Jerk Who Has Everything

Show both your jealousy and ingenuity this Christmas!
  1. Make macaroni sculpture of their lifelong idol being eaten by jackals.
  2. Two words: Homemade porn.
  3. Create and lovingly decorate an animated flip book of your ass using your office copy machine.
  4. Make them a recording of yourself singing both parts of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
  5. Name a star after them using their least preferred nickname (and to the right of Betelgeuse, you can see "Stink Ass Johnson").
  6. Sign them up for the "Mystery Lunch Meat of the Month" club by mailing them a slice of lunch meat in a fancy envelope every month.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

8 Ways Barbecue Sauce Will Provide Economic Stimulus

In the current economic environment, we simply MUST find more uses for barbecue sauce if we hope to be successful. Here are the best, U.S. Government-vetted ideas, along with some marketing recommendations.
  1. Toothpaste flavoring ("Crest Smoky")
  2. Uncle God's Body of Christ Eucharistic Country-Style Dippin' Sauce
  3. Jasper's Hillbilly Anal Lube -- Now with more sting!
  4. "Hickory Nightmare" coffee creamer
  5. Kountry Kennel Barbecue-Flavored Dog Bath Soap (your dog won't be able to stop licking himself!)
  6. Brisket Bomb Baby Soap (you could use the same ingredients as in Kountry Kennel; you see what I did there? Can you say, "market adjacency?!")
  7. Alternative fuel source -- if those Detroit fat cats can't make cars that run on barbecue sauce then they DESERVE to go bankrupt!
  8. Exterior house paint

Saturday, November 22, 2008

7 Reasons I Go To The Bathroom

  1. Well, the usual reason - to read.

  2. To muss up my hair in a dashing way.

  3. Gotta keep tryin' on those leopard skin leotards.

  4. Get the plunger, Aunt Blanche just went in there.

  5. The ceramic floor in there is just so much cooler on my skin than the rest of the house on hot summer days.

  6. Jam sessions on my triangle.

  7. To find out where the poo goes.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

8 Phrases That Should Become Business Cliches

We're tired of phrases like "at the end of the day" and "in the pipeline." It's time we came up with some new awful business cliches that can get overused by every idiot with a PowerPoint deck and a Blackberry. The phrases below don't mean anything yet. But just you wait...

"on the prison toilet"

Looks like Johnson is on the prison toilet again.

"looking for rhubarb"
I think we're ahead but might we might just be looking for rhubarb.

"another chrome squirrel"

Great, Johnson just showed up with another chrome squirrel.

"trading ham for toothpaste"

Sometimes I feel like our department is just trading ham for toothpaste.

"trailer park effect"

We've had to rethink the marketing plan thanks to the trailer park effect.

"grooming the mule"

Hanlon was at the convention grooming the mule.

"red gravy on Mars"

This new long-term strategic plan is like red gravy on Mars.

"packaged wet and sold for dry"

Looks like the new widget product will have to be packaged wet and sold for dry.

Friday, November 14, 2008

9 Uses for a Bloomin' Onion

  1. Sheep de-wooler
  2. Oil well drill bit
  3. Industrial strength laxative
  4. Golf cleat cleaner
  5. Science fair sea urchin display model
  6. Murder weapon in the game of Clue
  7. Rolodex
  8. Funeral wreath
  9. Whoopy cushion

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

7 Possible Explanations for This Rash

  1. Riding that coin operated horse in front of the grocery store without pants on
  2. Washing my jeans with bargain detergent from the Supermercado
  3. Stress about keeping my job in this economy especially since I rarely show up on time and spend more time on Twitter than actually working
  4. Sweaty aliens
  5. This new anti-cellulite cream I got in Thailand
  6. One of my wife's "massage therapists" did seem to be scratching himself more than normal when he dropped her off yesterday
  7. Sleeping in the park last night

Friday, November 7, 2008

5 Original Excuses to Get Out of a Social Event

The beauty of these excuses is that you never actually have to say you're not coming. However the host will be so thrilled you didn't show up you'll be golden.
  1. Explain that you've developed a mysterious unpleasant odor that may turn off other guests.
  2. Say you're bringing your new favorite cabbage and anchovy dish and you just can't be talked out of it.
  3. Ask where the heroin room is going to be because you just got a sweet deal on some Hungarian Brown.
  4. Explain that you've become a born again Christian and you have been dying to share your story.
  5. Explain that you may have trouble finding a sitter but if you can't you'll just pick up your son/daughter from their violin recital on the way and maybe he/she can even give an impromptu performance!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Other Reasons Why Joaquin Phoenix Is Retiring From Acting

  • Ever since Gladiator, he feels he's been type-cast as an incestuous weirdo.
  • Doesn't want that butcher apprenticeship to go to waste.
  • Bowling league scheduling conflict.
  • The tights were starting to chafe.
  • Thinks he's REALLY Johnny Cash.
  • Latent cloud of despondency from being in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
  • Tired of acting like an idiot.
  • Feels that the hot women of Wal-Mart are afraid to approach him because he is a Hollywood superstar.
  • Memorizing lines sucks.
  • He'll be back next year, right Brett Favre!?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

15 Worst Settings for a Sound Soother Machine

  1. Baby with colic
  2. Aluminum cans in a blender
  3. The shrieks of eagles
  4. Amorous cat
  5. Old man sneezing
  6. Domestic dispute
  7. Spoon in the disposal
  8. Tin rake on a driveway
  9. Dog fight
  10. Hillbilly gun fight
  11. Lawnmower in a gravel pit
  12. Drunken sailor argument
  13. Grocery store announcement medley
  14. People eating lobster
  15. Multi-car pile up
  16. Botched dental procedure

Monday, October 20, 2008

Top 5 Ideas for Naming Britney Spears' 2009 Concert Tour

  1. Cheap Ass Wigs and Trucker Belches Damn Straight!
  2. Blackouts and Downward Spirals World Tour 2009
  3. Media Whores Across America 2009
  4. White Trash and Muffin Tops Live
  5. Doughnuts and Rug Burns 2009
More ideas at

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The 10 Worst Movie Cliches

  1. Guy Gets Girl, Guy loses girl, Guy gets girl back in the final scene.
    Example: Failure to Launch
    Disaster happens, motley crew is assembled, motley crew saves the day.
    Example: Armageddon

  2. Guy loves girl who is just a friend, girl dates jerk, guy rescues girl and they fall in love.
    Example: Picture Perfect

  3. No one believes scientist that end of world is imminent, scientist saves world.
    Example: The Day After Tomorrow

  4. Vampires!
    Example: Lost Boys

  5. Athlete is washed up but still has fire, gets call to return, saves the day in dramatic fashion.
    Example: The Natural

  6. Kids discover amazing thing and try to keep it hidden, adults/government discover it and ruin it.
    Example: ET

  7. Outcast is befriended by popular kid, they have a falling out, outcast ends up popular.
    Example: She's All That

  8. Aliens show up, no one's sure if they're good or bad, they turn out to be bad, they are thwarted.
    Example: Signs

  9. Some science happens, the dead awake and begin attacking the living, the living fight back and win. (Editor's note: Why is it that zombies are always angry? We could understand if they were confused, frustrated, or even appreciative, but why always with the anger?)
    Example: Night of the Living Dead

  10. Ordinary guy becomes hero, public turns against him, he saves the day and wins over the public once again.
    Example: Spiderman

Sunday, October 12, 2008

13 Least Common Kitchen Accidents

  1. Bunion scorching
  2. Brussel sprout stampede
  3. Whisking gouges
  4. Relish tray grease fire
  5. Mellon baller lobotomy
  6. Table leaf decapitation
  7. Maggot infestation from spontaneous generation experiments
  8. Lemon zest exhilaration blisters
  9. Salt shaking elbow dislocation
  10. Carcass entanglement
  11. Jell-o carving lacerations
  12. Gravy drowning
  13. Spicing to taste obsessive-compulsive disorder

Friday, October 3, 2008

The 10 Worst American Beers

What are the worst American beers you've ever tasted? Here's our list. We encourage comments because God knows there's a lot of bad beer out there.

  1. Olde English 800
  2. Black Label
  3. Hamms
  4. Busch Light
  5. Meister Brau
  6. Milwaukee's Best
  7. Pabst Blue Ribbon
  8. Blatz
  9. Genesee
  10. Stroh's

Thursday, October 2, 2008

10 Bad Replacements for Trick or Treat Candy on Halloween

  1. Shots of tequila
  2. Mushrooms from the lawn
  3. Grocery store coupons
  4. Frequent Flyer miles
  5. Small bundles of chives
  6. Nicorette
  7. I.O.U.'s for "Help with your homework"
  8. Lunchmeat
  9. A handful of salt
  10. A hardy handshake

Saturday, September 20, 2008

4 Reasons Why I Think my Dry Cleaner is Trying to Kill Me

  1. I've been finding scorpions in my suit pockets and piano wire in my ties.
  2. She claims I'd get a better press on my shirts if I wore them during the process.
  3. She's been leaving messages on my voice mail to come pick up my clothes in the alley behind her shop.
  4. Her new assistant, Raoul, is six-foot eight, wears an eye patch, and just moved into the apartment next to mine.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

7 Possibilities for What the Girl in the McDonald's Commercial Means When She Claims to "Always Bring the Flavor"

  1. She shows up at parties uninvited and immediately begins loudly proclaiming her obvious fashion and sexual superiority to all the other guests.
  2. She rarely washes food stains off of her garments.
  3. She is mentally unbalanced and entertains friends with her frequent manic breakdowns.
  4. She tries to improve her station by speaking in a comical attempt at a cultured British accent that sounds more like a gay Australian man.
  5. She stores dead squirrels in her pockets.
  6. She always dresses in the traditional ethnic clothes of a country she's never been to, heard of or could point to on a map.
  7. She stopped brushing her teeth three years ago.

Friday, September 12, 2008

26 New Names for Your Ding-A-Ling

(Courtesy of the "Willy Name Generator")
  1. The Main Churro
  2. The Stocky Perch
  3. Dr. Slippery Doodle
  4. The Mushroom Salamander
  5. Professor Skin Trumpet
  6. The Saluting Banana
  7. Frisky Rocket
  8. The Spring-Loaded Burrito
  9. The Pink Dart
  10. The Hanging Cyclops
  11. The Pocket Orca
  12. The Purple Carrot
  13. The Trusty Thick Whistle
  14. The Stocky Bishop
  15. The Hanging Sniper
  16. The Pork Ferret
  17. Officer Buster Pump
  18. The Stocky Popsicle
  19. The Heroic Hog
  20. Dr. Nasty Cannon
  21. The Expanding Handle
  22. The Bald Bazooka
  23. The Plump Panther
  24. Happy Candle
  25. The Pummeling Ferret

Top Ten Least Attractive Presidents

1John Quincy Adams

: He's angry, he's bird-like, he's the least attractive president.
2Abraham Lincoln

: He may have an honest face, but it's also a trainwreck.
3John Adams

: He looked less like a president and more like a frightened, chubby finch.
4George Washington

: Our founding father looked like a dowdy old woman.
5Martin Van Buren

: It's all in the hair, baby.
6James Buchanan

: Speaking of hair...
7Richard Nixon:

He looks like he could really stink up a bathroom, eh?
8Grover Cleveland

: He accented his portly frame with a mustache that looked like he was snorting a squirrel.
9Chester Arthur

: When Chester sat around the White House, he really sat around the White House.
10Lyndon Johnson:

It was rumored aides hid grapefruits in his ears when he slept.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

10 Reasons Why I Don't Like You

  1. Your taste in music is embarrassing and sad.
  2. Your presidential candidate is a lying, misguided sack of crap.
  3. You drive like a jerk.
  4. You have the fashion sense of a blind hobo.
  5. The way you chew your food is nauseating.
  6. Your voice sounds like a lovesick heron with throat polyps.
  7. You walk like a retarded ape.
  8. The odor coming off you is clearly visible.
  9. You have the conversational skills of a prison yard boss.
  10. You remind me of me, and I hate myself.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Top 6 Ways to End an Argument Gracelessly

  1. A roundhouse kick
  2. Breaking wind
  3. Randomly quoting old testament scripture
  4. Alternating between weeping and laughing hysterically
  5. Touching yourself provocatively while humming show tunes
  6. Responding only in rhymes

Six Things Holding My Life Together

  1. Faith in the honesty and intelligence of hockey moms.
  2. "Girls Gone Wild" Vols. 3, 7 and 8.
  3. Hatred of my fellow man.
  4. Polymorphism, Inheritance and Encapsulation.
  5. Duct tape.
  6. An unwavering dedication to underachievement.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Five Best Off Screen TV Characters

These selections are based on my personal universe of television, being from the mid-seventies on. I know there were other off screen characters before these, but these are the best of what I've seen. So there.

1. Maris Crane - "Frasier"
Taking full advantage of the fact that the writers would never actually have to show her, Maris was described as everything from "reptile-like" to "being too light to activate a whoopee cushion."

2. Vera Peterson - "Cheers"
Heard but never seen, Vera was the wife of barfly Norm Peterson. She was almost shown in one episode but got a pie in the face at just the right moment. I always guessed she looked like Julie Kavner.

3. Charles "Charlie" Townsend - "Charlie's Angels"
Heard primarily through a speaker phone, Charlie managed a series of hot women who fought crime. Which is what most of us would be doing if we had made the right choices in life.

4. Stan Walker - "Will and Grace"
Stan is the husband of Karen Walker, Grace's shrill and drug-addled assistant. Stan is an enormous, sexually deviant man who seems to be wealthy beyond measure. Somehow he has an affair with Minnie Driver.

5. Orson - "Mork & Mindy"
Mork closed every show by reporting his findings about Earth back to Orson, his boss from Ork. "Mork calling Orson, come in Orson." That gave Robin Williams a chance to get all moral and maudlin so we'd be prepared for "Dead Poets Society."